119: Unexpected

Xavier

        It's Saturday. You think I'd be able to sleep in today. I wanted to, trust me, but I just couldn't. So, I finally decide to just get up at around 6am anyway, my usual time to get up. Crazy internal clock!

        Once I get out of the shower and get dressed, I decide to pick up my mandolin and play around on it. It's actually starting to sound something similar to music when I play it. When Mom got it for me, I wasn't too thrilled, but she insisted I give it a shot. It just bothers me when I don't get it perfect, but as I'm alone right now, I don't give it much thought.

        Marie has been gone for a few days. She's lucky it's summer where she is. No fair. We're freezing here. At any rate, Christmas will be here soon. I wonder what I should get Lee for Christmas.

        I close my eyes and grin as I stand here thinking about her. My fingers fly over the strings of their own accord, and I actually sound better when I think about her. 

          I really love her. I can picture the two of us getting married one day because I certainly can't imagine life without her. She's just so ... Well, soft is the only word that I can think of right now. Still, it's a good word.

         She's supposed to be by soon, and I can't wait even though I saw her just last night. I don't know why we don't just give her a bedroom in this house. She practically lives here anyway. Even better, she and I should just take over the room Marie left empty. It has a double bed. I miss a few strings as I think about the possibilities that would open up. No more couch. We should just sneak down there anyway, but then Mom would wonder why the sheets would keep getting messed up.

         I feel my grin slip from my face as I think about how Lee acted last night. Something was up, and she wouldn't tell me. I hate it when she gets like that. She'll bottle it up and bottle it up until she explodes into a nagging fit. If she'd just get it out when whatever it is starts bothering her, we'd both be much happier. Plus, I worry when she doesn't open up. I'm determined to get it out of her today.

          She walks in without knocking. She doesn't have to.

       Still in that mood, I see. Maybe she'll get it out today. She has that 'look' like she's ready to explode with whatever it is.

       I flip my hair out of my face, quickly put down the instrument on its stand, and bound over to her.

        "Hey, Lily." I say quietly just before I kiss her to let her know how much I missed her even though it's only been since last night. For a little while at least, she lets whatever it is that's bugging her go and kisses me back.

          "Hey." she says back, a little breathless now. Then that same 'look' comes across her face again.

           I can't stand it anymore. "Are you going to finally tell me what's bothering you?"

         "Bothering me? What makes you say that?" she asks, trying and failing to act like nothing is wrong.

          I let out a huff and say, "If you don't tell me now what's bothering you, then I'm going to start getting paranoid and think the worst. I'm hoping it's a small thing and you can just get it out of your system. Did I do something wrong?"

         "Why do you always think it's because you did something wrong? Did you do something wrong that I don't know about?" she asks defensively.

        "I never know!" I say, getting defensive as well. "Especially if you won't tell me. What's wrong?" I ask yet again. "How can I help you with whatever is bothering you if you don't tell me what it is? I couldn't sleep this morning for worrying since you never told me last night, and that was after pretending, like you are now, that nothing's wrong. Come off it, Lee. I know you better than that to not know when something's bothering you."

          Uh oh. Whoops, I think as she suddenly starts crying. I'm not so good with tears. I lamely reach out for the elbow that holds her face.
         "You're right." she sniffs. "There's something wrong. Really bad wrong, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell you."
         Cold fear and dread fill my stomach as I wonder what it could be. Please don't break up with me. She cries some more and crashes her head into my shoulder just before I gratefully wrap my arms around her. At least she's not trying to hide that something's wrong anymore.
          "Lily, you can tell me anything." I say before she sobs and cries still more.
         "I don't know how to tell you this. You're going to freak out. I know you. You'll freak out."
         "Please tell me because now I'm going to freak out with worry for what it could possibly be."
         "I'm pregnant." she says, and I get quiet as time stands still.
         I get hold of her shoulders to pull her back and look at her as I ask, "Are you sure?"

           She wipes her face as she looks at me in disbelief and says, "What kind of a question is that? Like I would go through this, telling you this, if I wasn't?"
           The walls start closing around me. This can't be happening. "But, Lee, every time ..."
          "But the first time." she interrupts.
          "... we've used a condom." I finish belatedly. "But that would mean ..."
          "That I'm already two months along. Yes." she finishes for me.
          I stand here and try not to freak out. It's not working. She was right. I'm freaking out!

        I take deep breaths, trying to keep the panic attack at bay.
        She starts talking again, and it sounds like it's coming from down a tunnel, "The first time I was late, I thought it was a fluke. Just a fluke, you know? It happens. I thought it couldn't possibly be that. So, I relaxed. Well, then I missed again, so just to make myself feel better, I went to the store and bought a test." Her voice breaks now as she says, "And then it was positive!" This isn't happening. This is a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up any minute now. ... why am I not waking up. I miss some of what she said, but I do hear, "... clinic confirmed it." There's a pause from her that makes me hyper-aware of the whooshing, buzzing sound coming from my ears. "Xavier?"
       Without saying a word, I turn around and fumble my way over to the sofa so can I plop down upon it.

       She's almost as far along as my mother. Oh holy shit, my mother! She's going to be furious that I'm making her a grandmother. My dad will want to kill me. When Marie hears about it she'll probably hop on the next plane from Sunlit Tides just to come back and kick my ass.
        I got Lee pregnant. Lee is pregnant. Oh God, no. Why?
        "Xavier?" I hear coming from down the tunnel again. She sounds like she's crying, but I can't really tell. I can't look up at those eyes right now, not with this horrible guilt I have.
        It's all my fault. It's all my fault. She didn't really want to anyway, and I convinced her, pressured her into it even. It's all my fault. It's all my fault. My fault. Mine. It's mine. I'm the father. I'm the father. I'm going to be a father. I expel a huge amount of air as my lungs empty with that thought. I'm sixteen and going to be a father because I got Lee pregnant.
        "Xavier, talk to me please." she begs from somewhere in front of me.
        "I can't right now okay?!!!!!" I yell as I drop my hands down between my knees and look meanly up at her. I immediately feel stricken by my tone. She's covering her mouth with her hand in shock, and she looks like she wants to start crying again. Just like Dad, I think as I stand up and immediately hold her in my arms.
          She does really start crying as I pet the back of her head and croon to her, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't need to yell like that." Shit, what am I going to do? She's shaking. I really scared her. "Lily, sit down, please. C'mon." I gently walk us both back over to the couch.

      "I'm fine, Xavier. I've had a lot more time to wrap my head around this than you have." she says calmly.
        My panic attack starts to threaten again. "You're right. I can't handle this. My parents are going to kill me."
        "Yours? What about my mom? All my life she's preached to me no sex before marriage since she got pregnant with the two of us when she was real young too."
          "I can't tell my mom. I just can't." I get up and start pacing.

      I start rambling now as she sits on the couch, quietly watching me, "My freaking out is nothing compared to what that woman can do! She's going to go on this 'I feel old' kick and blame me for it because I'm making her a grandmother. I don't even want to think about how my dad will react to the news." I stop for a second to ask, "How long can we keep this from them?"
        "What's the point of doing that?" she asks in place of an answer.
        "To buy me time to figure out how to tell them!"

      Her quiet voice works it way through the humming somehow as I hear her say, "I suppose we can wait a few months."
      Yeah. Right now it's so tiny that you can't tell from looking at her. But Lee is so tiny. And the baby is going to get bigger.

      This vision of Lee really really pregnant comes into my mind's eye, and I'm unable to hold off the panic anymore. I collapse on my knees with my head in my hands and start sobbing. Every muscle in my body is taunt, and I start sweating like mad. I can feel my vocal chords making some kind of noise, but I'm not sure exactly what it could be. The only thing I can hear is my own ragged breathing, sounding very loud in my ears. I start shaking, and I numbly worry about chipping a tooth from the way my teeth are clamped shut.

      After a while, I have no idea how much time, I find that my hands and forehead are resting on her knees, and she's rubbing my back as she tries to comfort me.
       "Hey." she says very quietly. "Are you back?"
       I'm still shaking, but now I'm shaking from exhaustion. Her rubbing my back feels really nice until she stops, and I'm sad that she does. Then I see her fingers lightly stroking the top of my thigh. My breathing slowly returns to normal. It's not a dream. It's real, and I'm being a selfish prick freaking out the way I am. She had to do all this all by herself. She starts running her fingers through my hair, and the tiger in me starts purring. What kind of man am I to make her feel like she couldn't come to me immediately. ... The kind that freaks out and has panic attacks.
       "I'm sorry, Lily."
       "For what?"
       "Everything. The way I reacted. For this fit I just had. For you not feeling like you could come to me immediately about all of this." I let out a huge sigh as I finally look up at her, realizing I probably look like I've been through hell and back. She looks at me lovingly and wipes my cheeks with her fingers. I close my eyes and revel in the feel of her hands on my face. She'll make a really good mother, and I've got to get a grip and man up.

       I sit up a little and she sits all the way down instead of just on her ankles.
       "Are you okay?" she asks somewhat timidly. I must've scared her. I hate that I did.
       "Pretty much, yes." I answer. Then I ask, "Why didn't you come to me sooner? Yes, you're right, I still would've freaked out, but why keep something this important from me like that?"
        She looks really sad and tears slowly roll down her face as she responds, "I kept hoping I was wrong, and I didn't want to worry you, like I said... I think." I wipe the tears off of her face like she had done to me a few moments ago. She continues, "And ... I worried you'd be furious and break up with me. ... Like my dad did my mom."

       I startle her when I suddenly grab her and kiss her. "I'm not your father." I growl. Or mine either, for that matter. She thought I'd break up with her over this?! I kiss her again, almost angrily. I'm suddenly furious. I'm angry that she's pregnant. I'm furious that it's all my fault. I'm pissed that this is going to alter our lives for probably the worse. Lastly, and most importantly, I'm enraged that she'd think I'd break up with her over this. I love her! Next to my art, she's my whole life! How could she think that? I pull back a moment to say as she tries to catch her breath, "Never think that I'd break up with you." Then I get back to branding her with my kiss. She's having my baby. This changes nothing even if it changes everything.
       Relief starts coming off of her in waves, and I feel her shake as she cries in my arms.

     I sit back and take her with me as I do. I gently stroke the back of her head while she cries like she's been holding it in for ages and only now finally letting it all out. When she's finally calmed down enough to hear me, I say, "Oh my beautiful Lily, don't cry anymore. We're in this together, and we'll figure something out -- together. Alright?"
      She nods against my shoulder, and we sit here on the floor in each other's arms for a long time, each trying their hardest to comfort the other one.

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