Elena
John and I had a wonderful, truly wonderful, honeymoon in the Caribbean. (While Marie was getting asked out....) 
Ben asked me to read him a story tonight. Poor lil' guy. When he plays, he plays hard, giving it everything he has. He's apparently inherited his father's love for sports. Greg would've loved that. 
It doesn't take him long to pass out. It usually doesn't. With Xavier, we had to read and read and then answer a billion questions-each about something that he wanted specifics on.... most of the time getting more in depth than necessary. He even looks like him when he sleeps. Oh God, it hurts. It hurts to see him because he reminds me so much of him. It hurts me that it hurts to see his father in him because it's not his fault. Every day he does something else to remind me of him. 
Goodnight, my little Benjamin. I'm so glad your father convinced me to have you. 
I head up to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I'm getting old. Where did these lines come from? Good grief! There's another one! Oh no, is that a liver spot? Where's my banishing cream? And how come if I'm older that I STILL have to deal with acne trying to creep up on me? That's just not fair. Dealing with liver spots and acne at the same time! At least I can keep the acne away... but the spots are straight from hell! Getting old sucks. I walk into the bedroom to find John in his pjs, reading a book. He looks up and sees me. Then he takes his glasses off and puts the book back on the bedside table. I smile as he smiles at me and go lay down on the bed next to him. 
John: And how is Mrs. Parren this evening? Me: Old. John almost laughs: What?! I sigh: Old. I'm starting to look old. 
John's voice drips with sarcasm: Oh yes, you're SO OLD. What am I doing with this old lady? Look at her, she's going gray. Nothing is in the right place! I pout. Not funny, John. 
John sees the tears forming in my eyes: Oh good grief, Elena! Would you come here?! You. don't. look. old! I'm still amazed at how you get more beautiful every time I turn around! Me: John, you don't have to lie to me. John: But I'm not lying! I sigh again and look away, unable to meet his eyes. John: What on earth has possessed you to think that you're old? 
Me: I found another wrinkle and liver spot. John looks like he's trying not to smile: Where? I point to the new line next to my mouth and a spot on my shoulder. As I point, John kisses each place. John: You mean this freckle? Me: That's not a freckle. John: Looks like a freckle to me. Me: I don't get freckles. John grins like he knows an inside joke I don't. Me: What? What are you smiling about? 
John: Forget it. He keeps me from asking again. 
Me: Fine. I'll forget it for now, but I'll get it out of you eventually. John: Doubt it. Me: Is that a challenge? John: Nope, simple fact. Me: hum. We're both quiet for a few minutes, just enjoying the moment. Even though I feel old, that is. 
John acts a little nervous all of a sudden: Elena? Me: Mm? John's fingers drum on my hand. What is he up to? He stays quiet. Me: What? John fidgets a little more before he finally says: There's something I wanted to talk to you about... Uh oh. If he's nervous I get the feeling I don't want to talk about it. He doesn't say anymore, so I encourage him: What? 
He turns his head. I love the way his warm breath feels on my ear as he exhales nervously. John: How would you feel... if I asked you... I hold my breath. John: ... if you wanted to have another baby? !!!!!!!!!!! 
I jerk away in shock: Huh? Now that he's gotten it out, John acts calmer: Just an idea I've been toying with. I stare at him, dumbfounded. John: I wanted to know what you thought. 
Me: John, I'm a terrible mother. He chuckles a little: No you're not. I shake my head: I am. John smiles down at me: What makes you say that? Me: Well, look at Marie. She looks to be following in my footsteps, and she won't talk to me about it. I know for a fact she's headed for disaster. John: Sometimes we have to let them make their own mistakes. I start hyperventilating as John's eyes gaze down at me: And then there's Xavier. John acts like he's trying to hide a smile: What's wrong with Xavier? Me: He's going to have a mental breakdown someday! He gets so neurotic about stuff that really doesn't matter! Who knows where he gets that from!?! That's one of the reasons I wanted to give him that upper bedroom.. so he could make his own little universe that suited his need for perfection. 
John: So, you helped him by giving him what he needs. How is that bad mothering? Me: Because he does almost nothing but stay in there! John: Painting. Me: YES! He does nothing else! I mean, sure, yeah, he loves to paint. That's great, but ALL THE TIME?! John does chuckle now: Are you saying you wished he'd date? I swallow: Um, I don't know. I just... well, yeah actually. John smiles: I doubt the girls will let him go unnoticed. His thumb starts drawing little circles on the inside of my hip as I sit there quietly. John: You haven't mentioned Benjamin. Me: Well, yeah. Ben. He plays with that stupid doll WAY too much. When he's around his friends he's fine, but I hate that doll. It creeps me out. John chuckles again: He'll grow out of it, just like Marie did. 
John: So, you're not a bad mother. I look at him with disbelief all over my face. John: I just want you to think about it. Me: Why do you want another one? I never wanted kids. Then, look at me, I adopt Marie and get convinced, twice, to have my boys. John's voice cuts through my thoughts: Because I love you. Because I liked having Xavier with you. Because I think you make beautiful children. Because with Ben more grown up, I miss having a little one around. My breathing slows down a little. John leans in and kisses me just under my ear before he lets his mouth trail a random path where it will. 
Suddenly, he pulls up to talk to me: And... I've told you more than once I'm a little selfish. Not that I don't love the little guy, but I was SO jealous when you were pregnant with Ben. I hated it. 
John: All I could think about was how tied you were to HIM then. I knew you hadn't physically cheated on me before I pushed you into his arms. I had entertained hopes of getting you back, but finding out you were pregnant killed my hopes at the time. That started the whole "something is wrong with John" thing that Jonah tried to get you to make me talk about with you. Obviously, I couldn't talk about it with YOU. So that's what he was thinking that day I beat him at foosball. He wanted me back even then? I'd thought he was still incredibly mad at me. Oh, poor John. He had his hopes and plans dashed. Funny how the whole situation takes on a different feel when looking at it from a different perspective. 
I sit up and kiss him passionately. He makes a little noise that I translate to mean that he wants to both kiss me and that he has more that he wants to say. 
John: So, will you at least consider it? I look up at him quietly. John: Okay. So like I said, I'm selfish and greedy. And possessive. John: And I want us to make a little person that ties us together even more. To let the world know. That's a little more barbaric way of looking at it, in my opinion, but I'm being honest. He shrugs. I smile: Thank you for being honest. John: Of course! We stare at each other. I can clearly see in his eyes how much he really wants this. The idea doesn't seem as crazy now as it did a few mere minutes ago. My stomach balls up into a knot with worry. I'm not as young as I used to be and being pregnant might be really hard this time. But... The idea of having another child with John... Why does that turn me on like this? Almost strange. I guess not really if you think about it. The nail of my index finger starts tracing a line along the contours of his back. John: How I would love to know what's going through that pretty little head of yours. I smile a small smile up at him. 
(Yeah, the alarm clock bugs me too.) He leans down to kiss me again. I can sense the purpose behind this kiss. He's through talking for tonight. 
(I'm beginning to wonder if I should start up a blog page to do a more-than-PG13 version.)
(current note: That is just hilarious now.)
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