33: Doubts

(originally posted 11/02/2011)


Okay, I've worked my butt off and gotten visa level 3!


This is our new little vacation getaway. It didn't cost much and Greg is looking forward to a little fishing. I have mixed feelings about killing fish. They're the only animal food that I've not made up my mind on. I just know I'm not going to eat any.


Just a funny pic of me annoying Greg with my snake charmer basket. I've been completely ignoring the possible topic of conversation that I don't want to even mention. (baby) I've been successful at it for days. I think Greg might be more annoyed by that than the snake basket.


He finally corners me on the subject: Elena darling, I'm happy that you've been working so hard on getting us this place, but we haven't talked about having children since the other night.


Me: Greg, I just don't know. Thus far I've made a terrible mother.


Greg: How can you say that? After the way you fought tooth and nail for your kids? No "bad mother" would do that. Where on earth are you getting this idea that you're a bad mother?


Greg pulls me closer to him as I stand there and think about how I seem to have no relationship with Marie, and how Xavier plays viciously with his toys-making them beat each other up. Maybe that's just a boy thing, but I'm not totally convinced. And that doesn't even take into account that I've broken up their home for my own selfish desires. I am NOT one who should've ever had kids, or adopted, or anything. I'm hardly worthy enough to be someone's wife let alone their mother.

Me: Greg. I just don't think I can do it again. What if I screw this child up even more than the other two?


Greg: You did NOT screw up the other two. No, the situation isn't ideal, but that doesn't mean they're screwed up. They know you love them and they know their father loves them. I think you're wonderful for wanting him to be able to have more time with them than the court decreed. I wish Betty had done the same for me. And I want US to have children that are a little bit of me and a little bit of you, well maybe more of you (he smiles).

He touches my face and tries to tuck that bit of my hair that won't stay put behind my ear. He can't get it behave either so he finally gives up.

Me: But, Greg. What if...
He interrupts me: No what if's

I'm still torn. On the one hand I see Greg's point of view. It would be so neat to have a little Greg running around. Still, I shouldn't base my decision on thinking it would be "neat." I'm so so worried and I think Greg can tell in the way that I'm kissing him. So, he works on reassuring me with his. Maybe I should just let nature decide.


Me: I'm just so worried.
Greg grins: You shouldn't be. It's not like you'll be doing this alone.
I laugh a little.
Greg: Let's just try. What if the two of us together are awesome parents? Xavier really likes me. Marie tolerates me, which I guess is the best I'm going to get from a teenager. I want to try.

Then he gets this wild gleam in his eye. Uh oh. I know this look.

Me: Greg! Put me down!

I start squealing as he acts like he's going to drop me on my butt on the floor. He laughs as that makes me hold on to him tighter. He's not putting me down.

Me: Greg, put me down nicely.

Geez, why do I have to be so specific?

Greg: Okay.
Me: This isn't quite what I meant.

He just lays there over me, staring at me.

Me: What?
Greg: I'm not giving up. I want kids. At least one.

Me: Curse you and your dammed persistance.

I smile as I sit up a little and kiss him. Neat, I think I actually took him by surprise. I'd better enjoy the moment, that doesn't happen often.


I'm guessing I don't need to narrate this part.


Ehem, afterwards, Greg decides to try his hand at a little fishing. I can't watch, so I go hunting for rocks.
(btw-Greg SUCKS at fishing)

That night we take our journey back to our little hometown. John is supposed to drop Xavier off Monday afternoon. I can't wait to see him again.


Greg and I have Monday and Tuesday off as a little gift from work. Monday morning I walk up to Greg and interrupt his workout. He looks at the expression on my face and stops immediately.

Me: Greg. I've thought about it. Alot. Let's just leave the decision about the baby up to nature. If it happens, it was meant to be. If not, it wasn't. But... I kinda do hope it IS meant to happen.

I smile. Greg just throws his arms around me. I'm going to have to go change my dress because now it's all sweaty, but I don't care. I just love the look of sheer joy on his face. I guess I can do this. If Greg is certain, then why should I doubt?