65: Pain

(originally posted 03/13/2012)


I exist in a realm of darkness. Lost to myself, but for some reason I don't care. I'm lifted in strong arms and carried away -- to what end I do not know. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.

I feel like I've been ripped in two... and those two pieces separate so far that they leave plenty of room for pain to take over the space. Sheer, horrible pain. I don't want to deal with it, so I let go of reality. If only the darkness would take over. I need it to.

I feel myself being gently laid down on something soft and hear something scrape across a wood floor before all goes completely, blessedly dark.



My eyes open. I'm in my bed... How did I get here?

I look at a person sleeping in a chair next to the bed. That's my reading chair. Why is it next to the bed? Why is John sleeping in it?

Me: John?


John snorts once as he abruptly sits up. He rubs his eyes with his fingers under his glasses before he looks at me. Normally, I'd find this funny, but I don't this time for some reason.

John: Elena? Are you okay?
I blink a few times and try to make sense of things: I don't know actually. Why am I in the bed and you in the chair?
John looks at me sadly: I carried you up here and drug the chair over here.
Me: Why didn't you just sleep in the bed?
John: I kept expecting you to wake up and you didn't. I must've crashed finally.

I look at the clock. 3:30 am.

Me: John, come to bed. You're being ridiculous.


John ignores my request: Elena, what's the last thing you remember?

I look at him suspiciously. What is he playing at? ... What is it? What is it that I get the feeling I don't want to remember? Dammit! ...

Me: I'm not sure. I remember being at work. Then I came home. You met me at the door. Then I'm up here. What happened?

John tells me... and I start to remember.

John was quiet as he watched my face.

Me: What is it?
John: Greg is...

No. .... no no no no.
My world went dark for a few moments.


John: You were inconsolable. You fainted and wouldn't let me pick you up off the floor. Then Marie came in and I asked her to take care of Ben.

Marie is so great. I need to do something nice for her. She was always so great with X-man when he was real little. Now she's helping me with Ben, Greg's son.... Oh no. NO!

I remember more...

John: Elena!

I could hear John over someone moaning the word "no". Oh, that was me. I heard and felt John bending over me like he was about to lift me up.

Me: NO!!!
John: Elena, I'm just going to carry you upstairs.
I meekly fought him off of me as I heard myself crying: NO!!!
John's voice was gentle: I'm not going to just let you lay on the floor.
Me: Yes! I WANT to stay on the floor.

I started bawling, but I couldn't remember why right then. I just knew something awful had happened. Something so bad I couldn't think about it. I wanted to stay on the floor.. to not move. Getting up and moving would mean that life would have to go on. I hoped that if I just stayed on the floor curled up that the world would stop and I could stop right along with it.


John sighed and placed my head in his lap. I just clung to him and cried. I heard Marie and Xavier in the room.

Marie: What is it!?
John: Greg has been shot. Go and take care ...

My world went dark again.



I feel strangely outside myself as I lay there calmly while my world shatters into a million pieces.

Me: I remember now. No. I'm not okay.
John: What can I do?

Can you bring back the dead?

I feel my face screw up as heart-wrenching pain engulfs me again.

John: Would you like a sedative?
Anything to get rid of this.
Me: Yes.

I take the meds and start crying myself to sleep. John tries to hold me while I cry, but I push him off of me at first.


John doesn't give up. Eventually, I'm just too tired to say no to him.

I fall asleep and dream of Greg.

We're standing on the front porch. It's just like the last time I saw him... when I told him to go away and leave me alone.

Greg: Hey! Look what I got for you!

Red roses. The color of love. The color of the blood that must've poured out of him as he lay on the ground bleeding to death after he was shot.

I choke back a sob as I smile and thank him for the roses.


Greg smiles at me slightly: Elena darling, why are you crying?
Me: Because you're dead!
Greg: I know that.
I place my face my hands: Oh, Greg! This is awful!


He reaches his hand up, just like before, only this time he's wiping away tears.

Greg: Shh. Don't cry. I hate seeing you cry.


I work at calming down. While I do that, he places both his hands on my face.

Greg: I have to tell you something. It's important.

I try to open my eyes wide so I can pay attention, but as things go in dreams -- it doesn't work.

Me: I'm listening.
Greg: Don't go to work.
Me: Work on what? Don't work on what?
Greg: No, don't go to work.

I feel myself start to wake up a little.

Me: Greg, the dream is ending. I don't want it to!
Greg: I love you, Elena darling, but, I have to go now.


I actually feel his lips meet mine.


I wake up slightly. I'm at home. I feel arms tighten around me and I feel so loved.


I fall back asleep and dream about inconsequential things this time.