(originally posted 03/22/2012)
John
Elena was shaking all the way to the house. We took a cab and I held her in my arms as we rode. When we arrive at the house, I pick her up again as soon as she exits the taxi.
I ignore her protests and carry her into the house. Hugh is still busy working with the locals.
Elena: John, this is ridiculous. Put me down.
The second her feet touch the floor, she kisses me, and who am I to not kiss her back? Even though I am extremely worried about her.
Elena: Can we go home now? Where are we anyway?
Me: In a house we use if we need to go to Bridgeport.
Her face is pale. I watch her every move in case she collapses.
Her face turns away from me as she stares at goodness knows what. I reach out to turn it back to me so that I can watch her better.
Me: Elena?
Me: Whoa!
She starts to crumple.
I pick her up again.
Elena: I'm fine!
Me: No, you're not.
You're really trying, baby, but I know you're not.
Elena: I AM! You don't have to carry me all over the place! You're going to wear yourself out!
I chuckle and walk towards the bedroom: Why? You weigh nothing.
She groans in frustration.
She collapses when I sit her on the bed, so I let her get the rest she needs. Hugh peeps his head in after a while when he sees the open door, but when he sees us on the bed, he nods slightly and closes it for us.
It's really really warm in Bridgeport for this time of year already, and this cabin has terrible air conditioning. Elena is warm and I'm sweating in this thermos-like jacket. I check the time on my cell. Four AM... It's only going to get hotter. I need a shower. I move myself to get out from underneath Elena. She wakes up.
Elena: Don't leave me.
She sits up and kisses me. Crap. She knows this will make me want to stay put more than anything.
I try to get words out: Elena... I need..... to take a .... shower.
She pulls back and just stares up at me with those amazing eyes of hers.
Dammit, don't do this to me! You're not even in your right mind.
Elena mutters one word: Stay.
I exhale. I can't stand it! I push her back down onto the bed and devour her mouth. I have missed you so much! Her hands find their way inside my shirt and I'm shocked back into reality as her nails rake across my stomach. UGH! This isn't fair! Her hand travels farther south as I pull back and inhale sharply.
Me: No, Elena. Not now. Not tonight. We need to put more space between then and now.
I am such an idiot.
Elena's eyes burn into mine: I want this to help me forget.
Forgetting doesn't work. No. You need to deal with it first.
Me: It doesn't work. I don't want you associating me with any of that you just went through.
Elena: Are you going to make me beg?
I nearly faint myself. Oh how desperately I want to just give in! But this is not the time. I pull myself away from her, mentally kicking myself the entire time.
Me: Soon, my love, but this is not the time.
She scowls at me, and her face is so beautiful I can't help but smile.
Me: Get some more sleep.
Elena sounds angry: Fine.
She turns away from me. I quickly kiss her shoulder and painfully get out bed. Then I walk over to the dresser and find something else for her to wear.
(Yeah, yeah. It's the same pjs. Oh well. No, you're not missing a pic here. I didn't take one for this part. This is just a little note that I realize she's wearing the same pjs. Not that it really really matters, but I like things to be logical, and this isn't. :/ )
When I find something, I toss it over to her. The shirt lands on her hip and she looks down at it.
Elena: Good. But are there any pants?
Me: Yes, but you'll need a belt. And you don't really want the pants yet, do you? It's really hot in here.
Elena: No, that's fine. I was just asking because I want to burn this dress.
That'll help.
Hugh catches me and follows me into the room when I get out of the shower.
Hugh: How is she?
Me: Fighting I believe. When she's not in total denial. I hate that she does that.
Hugh's eyes rest on her for a moment before returning to me: Let me know if you want my help.
Me: Will do. Now I need to get some real sleep.
Hugh smiles: I'll keep myself quiet then.
He walks back into the living room and closes the door. I walk over to the bed and stare down at the woman I love.
I lay down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Events of the past week or so run through my head, and I'm so glad it's all over.
Time stretches on. And on. And on. My brain just won't shut up.
I .... can't .... sleep!... Dammit! I finally get a chance to really relax and I just can't!
Elena is laying on her back, sleeping peacefully. With every breath she takes, her chest rises and falls, rises and falls. It's torture! I sit up and rest on my elbow. She sighs in her sleep and rolls back away from me. I lay there and stare at her for a moment. Her hair is sticking to the back of her neck. I reach up and pull it back.
I stare at the far wall as more thoughts run through my head. I wonder how badly she's traumatized. She's not only going to have to deal with the recent events, but she really needs to face what happened with Tate. I wish I could deal with it for her. I did my part and arrested the one guy, shot the other. I'd've shot Tate, but I'd've gotten in trouble for it in those days.
I reach out and rub her upper arm gently as she sleeps. Her hair has re-attached itself to the back of her neck, so I move it again. This time I lightly kiss her exposed neck. She stirs slightly, and I look up real fast to see if she woke up. She didn't, so I go back to staring at her.
My blood boils as I think about that creep's hands on her. I'm glad he's dead. Prison would've been too good for him, and I'm sure he had contacts that would've made life real easy. And what if he'd escaped?
What loose ends need tying up? I wonder if anyone is going to be able to "take over" his "business" since he's gone.
Elena whimpers slightly in her sleep and turns face up. I look up at her face, concerned. It looks like she's afraid about something. I reach up and lightly stroke her cheek. Her face relaxes, and she turns back on her side.
I look out the window and see that dawn is approaching. A new day. A better day. The sound of the sliding glass door on the back of the house drifts over to me. Dam*, it's hot. Somebody needs to tell the thermostat that it's only early spring.
Elena's hair sticks to the back of her neck yet again. Out of habit now, I reach up to move it. She's sweating so I lean over to blow cold air on the back of her neck.
Her eyes fly open, and she rolls back onto her back, startling me. Oh crap! I woke her up!
Elena: John?
Me: Yes?
She sighs with relief: I was having a bad dream.
I smile sympathetically down at her: Well, you're awake now.
She stretches, and it's painful for me to watch. However, I can't look away. She sits up a little and scoots over to me.
Elena: Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to wake up and see you next to me?
My heart melts: Well, considering I don't wake up next to myself, I don't, but that sounds wonderful coming from you.
She smiles serenely before she stretches up to kiss me. My mood quickly escalates to where it left off before my shower, and she's acting like she doesn't want this to end anytime soon. I attempt to grunt a "no", but it comes out as a moan instead.
Can't. Shouldn't. Yes, that means the exact opposite. Must stop.
Before I can change my mind, I quickly pull away.
Me: Elena, you know we just can't yet.
Elena: I don't understand why. I think this would make excellent therapy.
Now it must be ME who's not in their right mind, because that makes perfect sense.
Elena smiles and looks down at me like she knows she's got me there. I lightly place my hand on her thigh just above her knee. There it rests while Elena leans towards me like she's going to kiss me again. My hand travels up the remaining length of her thigh, and before I know it, I'm on top of her.
A "very satisfied with herself" sound comes out of her that just eggs me on. Therapy. She wants this as her therapy. Oh heaven help me, but I want that too.
It's my turn to start shaking as the effort to hold back becomes more and more difficult. I just... can't. Wait, I CAN, but I shouldn't. My whole world becomes her as anything else ceases to exist. It's just me and her and eternity.
Why do I always have to be the good guy?
Me: You know I want to, but...
She interrupts: Then what are you waiting for?
Oh God.
I finish: But this isn't the right time.
I'm positive my eyes aren't agreeing with my words because she looks at me like she doesn't believe me for a second that that's what I'm thinking.
Me: I will not have you mixing me in with the bad memories you have.
There it is. They're there. That pain is there. I think as I look into her eyes.
Me: Talk to me about it.
Elena stops looking at me: No. I just want to forget it all.
Me: I won't let you.
She starts hyperventilating: Get off me!
I do.
Elena sits up and starts yelling at me: You don't want me mixing YOU in with all that that's happened this past week or so? Too bad! You're there! But you know what?! You're the HERO, dammit! THAT's all I want to think about.
Me: It's not going to go away.
I feel like we've had this discussion before.
Elena: F--- it! I don't care!
Me: I do.
Elena: Get out!
I nod slightly and leave the room.
I decide to make pancakes. I see Hugh outside the window talking on his cell phone. The way he's smiling I wonder if it's that bartender he talked about.
Dammit. .... Elena, dammit. WHY won't you let me help you? Just TALK about it. Admit to yourself that it happened, and move on. Constantly trying to bury it won't make it go away!
I hear the bedroom door open, but I don't turn around. She doesn't need me to be mad at her right now, but I am.
Elena's voice is small: John?
I exhale roughly and look at the wall in front of me.
Elena: I'm sorry.
The pancakes are done, so I put them all on a plate and set the plate on the counter.
I turn around and hug her before I pull back to look at her face. She reaches up and runs her fingers along my jaw.
Elena: I miss the beard.
I smile: I'll grow it back.
She nods.
Elena: I know you're just trying to help. I just can't talk about it.
Me: The only way to make it go away is to set it free. Not talking about it or thinking about it only holds it in.
Her breathing increases again: I don't like it.
Me: Baby...
Elena: NO. I'm not ready to talk about it.
Me: That's fine for now... hungry?
She ignores my question and puts her hands in my hair: You're really going gray, you know that?
Thanks. I think sarcastically, but I see from the smile on her face that she doesn't think my graying is a bad thing.
Me: Well, stress can do that, you know.
She nods slightly.
Elena: Let's go home.
Me: Alright. Let's eat first though, okay?
Elena was shaking all the way to the house. We took a cab and I held her in my arms as we rode. When we arrive at the house, I pick her up again as soon as she exits the taxi.
I ignore her protests and carry her into the house. Hugh is still busy working with the locals.
Elena: John, this is ridiculous. Put me down.
The second her feet touch the floor, she kisses me, and who am I to not kiss her back? Even though I am extremely worried about her.
Elena: Can we go home now? Where are we anyway?
Me: In a house we use if we need to go to Bridgeport.
Her face is pale. I watch her every move in case she collapses.
Her face turns away from me as she stares at goodness knows what. I reach out to turn it back to me so that I can watch her better.
Me: Elena?
Me: Whoa!
She starts to crumple.
I pick her up again.
Elena: I'm fine!
Me: No, you're not.
You're really trying, baby, but I know you're not.
Elena: I AM! You don't have to carry me all over the place! You're going to wear yourself out!
I chuckle and walk towards the bedroom: Why? You weigh nothing.
She groans in frustration.
She collapses when I sit her on the bed, so I let her get the rest she needs. Hugh peeps his head in after a while when he sees the open door, but when he sees us on the bed, he nods slightly and closes it for us.
It's really really warm in Bridgeport for this time of year already, and this cabin has terrible air conditioning. Elena is warm and I'm sweating in this thermos-like jacket. I check the time on my cell. Four AM... It's only going to get hotter. I need a shower. I move myself to get out from underneath Elena. She wakes up.
Elena: Don't leave me.
She sits up and kisses me. Crap. She knows this will make me want to stay put more than anything.
I try to get words out: Elena... I need..... to take a .... shower.
She pulls back and just stares up at me with those amazing eyes of hers.
Dammit, don't do this to me! You're not even in your right mind.
Elena mutters one word: Stay.
I exhale. I can't stand it! I push her back down onto the bed and devour her mouth. I have missed you so much! Her hands find their way inside my shirt and I'm shocked back into reality as her nails rake across my stomach. UGH! This isn't fair! Her hand travels farther south as I pull back and inhale sharply.
Me: No, Elena. Not now. Not tonight. We need to put more space between then and now.
I am such an idiot.
Elena's eyes burn into mine: I want this to help me forget.
Forgetting doesn't work. No. You need to deal with it first.
Me: It doesn't work. I don't want you associating me with any of that you just went through.
Elena: Are you going to make me beg?
I nearly faint myself. Oh how desperately I want to just give in! But this is not the time. I pull myself away from her, mentally kicking myself the entire time.
Me: Soon, my love, but this is not the time.
She scowls at me, and her face is so beautiful I can't help but smile.
Me: Get some more sleep.
Elena sounds angry: Fine.
She turns away from me. I quickly kiss her shoulder and painfully get out bed. Then I walk over to the dresser and find something else for her to wear.
(Yeah, yeah. It's the same pjs. Oh well. No, you're not missing a pic here. I didn't take one for this part. This is just a little note that I realize she's wearing the same pjs. Not that it really really matters, but I like things to be logical, and this isn't. :/ )
When I find something, I toss it over to her. The shirt lands on her hip and she looks down at it.
Elena: Good. But are there any pants?
Me: Yes, but you'll need a belt. And you don't really want the pants yet, do you? It's really hot in here.
Elena: No, that's fine. I was just asking because I want to burn this dress.
That'll help.
Hugh catches me and follows me into the room when I get out of the shower.
Hugh: How is she?
Me: Fighting I believe. When she's not in total denial. I hate that she does that.
Hugh's eyes rest on her for a moment before returning to me: Let me know if you want my help.
Me: Will do. Now I need to get some real sleep.
Hugh smiles: I'll keep myself quiet then.
He walks back into the living room and closes the door. I walk over to the bed and stare down at the woman I love.
I lay down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Events of the past week or so run through my head, and I'm so glad it's all over.
Time stretches on. And on. And on. My brain just won't shut up.
I .... can't .... sleep!... Dammit! I finally get a chance to really relax and I just can't!
Elena is laying on her back, sleeping peacefully. With every breath she takes, her chest rises and falls, rises and falls. It's torture! I sit up and rest on my elbow. She sighs in her sleep and rolls back away from me. I lay there and stare at her for a moment. Her hair is sticking to the back of her neck. I reach up and pull it back.
I stare at the far wall as more thoughts run through my head. I wonder how badly she's traumatized. She's not only going to have to deal with the recent events, but she really needs to face what happened with Tate. I wish I could deal with it for her. I did my part and arrested the one guy, shot the other. I'd've shot Tate, but I'd've gotten in trouble for it in those days.
I reach out and rub her upper arm gently as she sleeps. Her hair has re-attached itself to the back of her neck, so I move it again. This time I lightly kiss her exposed neck. She stirs slightly, and I look up real fast to see if she woke up. She didn't, so I go back to staring at her.
My blood boils as I think about that creep's hands on her. I'm glad he's dead. Prison would've been too good for him, and I'm sure he had contacts that would've made life real easy. And what if he'd escaped?
What loose ends need tying up? I wonder if anyone is going to be able to "take over" his "business" since he's gone.
Elena whimpers slightly in her sleep and turns face up. I look up at her face, concerned. It looks like she's afraid about something. I reach up and lightly stroke her cheek. Her face relaxes, and she turns back on her side.
I look out the window and see that dawn is approaching. A new day. A better day. The sound of the sliding glass door on the back of the house drifts over to me. Dam*, it's hot. Somebody needs to tell the thermostat that it's only early spring.
Elena's hair sticks to the back of her neck yet again. Out of habit now, I reach up to move it. She's sweating so I lean over to blow cold air on the back of her neck.
Her eyes fly open, and she rolls back onto her back, startling me. Oh crap! I woke her up!
Elena: John?
Me: Yes?
She sighs with relief: I was having a bad dream.
I smile sympathetically down at her: Well, you're awake now.
She stretches, and it's painful for me to watch. However, I can't look away. She sits up a little and scoots over to me.
Elena: Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to wake up and see you next to me?
My heart melts: Well, considering I don't wake up next to myself, I don't, but that sounds wonderful coming from you.
She smiles serenely before she stretches up to kiss me. My mood quickly escalates to where it left off before my shower, and she's acting like she doesn't want this to end anytime soon. I attempt to grunt a "no", but it comes out as a moan instead.
Can't. Shouldn't. Yes, that means the exact opposite. Must stop.
Before I can change my mind, I quickly pull away.
Me: Elena, you know we just can't yet.
Elena: I don't understand why. I think this would make excellent therapy.
Now it must be ME who's not in their right mind, because that makes perfect sense.
Elena smiles and looks down at me like she knows she's got me there. I lightly place my hand on her thigh just above her knee. There it rests while Elena leans towards me like she's going to kiss me again. My hand travels up the remaining length of her thigh, and before I know it, I'm on top of her.
A "very satisfied with herself" sound comes out of her that just eggs me on. Therapy. She wants this as her therapy. Oh heaven help me, but I want that too.
It's my turn to start shaking as the effort to hold back becomes more and more difficult. I just... can't. Wait, I CAN, but I shouldn't. My whole world becomes her as anything else ceases to exist. It's just me and her and eternity.
Why do I always have to be the good guy?
Me: You know I want to, but...
She interrupts: Then what are you waiting for?
Oh God.
I finish: But this isn't the right time.
I'm positive my eyes aren't agreeing with my words because she looks at me like she doesn't believe me for a second that that's what I'm thinking.
Me: I will not have you mixing me in with the bad memories you have.
There it is. They're there. That pain is there. I think as I look into her eyes.
Me: Talk to me about it.
Elena stops looking at me: No. I just want to forget it all.
Me: I won't let you.
She starts hyperventilating: Get off me!
I do.
Elena sits up and starts yelling at me: You don't want me mixing YOU in with all that that's happened this past week or so? Too bad! You're there! But you know what?! You're the HERO, dammit! THAT's all I want to think about.
Me: It's not going to go away.
I feel like we've had this discussion before.
Elena: F--- it! I don't care!
Me: I do.
Elena: Get out!
I nod slightly and leave the room.
I decide to make pancakes. I see Hugh outside the window talking on his cell phone. The way he's smiling I wonder if it's that bartender he talked about.
Dammit. .... Elena, dammit. WHY won't you let me help you? Just TALK about it. Admit to yourself that it happened, and move on. Constantly trying to bury it won't make it go away!
I hear the bedroom door open, but I don't turn around. She doesn't need me to be mad at her right now, but I am.
Elena's voice is small: John?
I exhale roughly and look at the wall in front of me.
Elena: I'm sorry.
The pancakes are done, so I put them all on a plate and set the plate on the counter.
I turn around and hug her before I pull back to look at her face. She reaches up and runs her fingers along my jaw.
Elena: I miss the beard.
I smile: I'll grow it back.
She nods.
Elena: I know you're just trying to help. I just can't talk about it.
Me: The only way to make it go away is to set it free. Not talking about it or thinking about it only holds it in.
Her breathing increases again: I don't like it.
Me: Baby...
Elena: NO. I'm not ready to talk about it.
Me: That's fine for now... hungry?
She ignores my question and puts her hands in my hair: You're really going gray, you know that?
Thanks. I think sarcastically, but I see from the smile on her face that she doesn't think my graying is a bad thing.
Me: Well, stress can do that, you know.
She nods slightly.
Elena: Let's go home.
Me: Alright. Let's eat first though, okay?
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