67: Crazy

(originally posted 03/13/2012)

The morning after the dream


I wake up in the late morning to an empty bed. However, I can hear someone beating at the training dummy in the workout area. I go out of the bedroom and see that it IS John like I thought.

He acts like he's furious about something. I haven't seen him be this angry in a long time.


He acts very absorbed in what he's doing, so I just mindlessly sit down and watch him attack the thing.

I wonder what he's so upset about? I wonder if I attacked the dummy with that much force would I feel better? ..... No, probably not.


Oh, Greg. Greg Greg Greg. I never thought for a minute that I didn't want you in my life at all. Now you're gone. Gone gone gone. Killed.

Wait a minute.... I had a dream about him last night!?!

My head pops up from my hand as the dream comes back to me.


Oh I WISH I could remember all of it! I remember I got to kiss him.

A tear escapes my eye. I'm momentarily surprised I have any left after last night.

Wait... He was trying to tell me something. .... Could it really have been the real Greg and not some figment of my subconscious giving me what it thought I needed?

It was don't.... don't do something. Crap! Why can't I remember?!


I hardly notice at all that the sound of John beating on the dummy has stopped and he's standing in front of me.

It was don't work on something. Was it? What on earth would he not want me to work on?

John: Elena, I didn't know you were up.

Whatever it was, I know it's important. Ay! I MUST remember this!

John: Elena?


I do finally notice John when he sits down in front of me.

I blink a few times: Sorry. I was thinking.
John looks at his hands, then back up at me: I'd thought you would be asleep for longer this morning.
I shrug: Well, I'm awake.
John looks at me like he wants to ask me how I am but decides that he won't.
Me: It's okay, John, I'll answer your look. I'm ... depressed. And.. I'm sad you have to see this. All the same I don't want you to leave.
John: I DO have to go in today, though. I want to look over the evidence they found.
My eyes meet his: They don't know who did it? And how will YOU get to look over the evidence?
John smiles a little: I do what I want. Dream job, remember?
I look at him, confused: But Laurie told me he heard you got fired?
John stands up in a rush.


John: He told you WHAT?!
I jump up now too, almost scared of the look in his eyes: What is it?
John is breathing fast: Elena, what did he tell you?
Me: I assume he heard from somebody while he was tending the bar. He said he thought you got fired from the SIA. I wasn't holding it against you. Apparently you have some other job, I don't know. Don't get mad at him for thinking it since that's obviously not what happened.

I'm really scared now at the new look in his eyes. He looks like he wants to roar like a lion before charging after a threat to his pride lands.

John appears to put forth an extreme effort to get himself to calm down: Elena, will you promise me something?


Me: What is it?
John: Don't go to work today. Call in, and after you do that, call me.


I'm glad the scary look is gone from his eyes, but I wonder what me telling him Laurie thought he was fired has to do with me not going to work.

Don't go to work. I now hear Greg's voice echo in my head. Now I have both of them telling me that. Why?

Me: I guess I can do that. I didn't want to go in anyway. I don't think I'd be any help to Laurie today anyway. I wonder if he's even heard.
John: I wonder what he'll say. Will you try to remember and tell me? I'm curious.

The energy I just had when I jumped up is all gone now as I nod and look at the floor.

Me: Alright. I'll try.


John: Now, you need to get a shower and get dressed. It won't help you to mope around too much.
Me: I'll try. This is just so awful, John.

More dam* tears escape. John reaches up to wipe them from my face.

John: I'll be home as soon as I can. Don't accept ANY visitors, okay?
Me: Sounds like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
John chuckles a little: Just promise me, okay?
Me: Alright.
John breaths a sigh of relief: Thank you.


John forces me to eat some breakfast. Then he hires a babysitter to come take care of Ben while Marie and Xavier are at school.

I'm still sitting at the table in my pj shirt when he kisses me goodbye before leaving for work. He requests that I eat more, and I nod lamely.

After he leaves I stand up to take my almost full bowl of fruit parfait to the trash and dump it before putting it in the sink. I don't even make it a few steps. The bowl stays on the table as I curl up into the fetal position on the floor and stare off into space. The babysitter had been warned of my possible emotional imbalance, so he steered clear of me.

Greg. How can I live without you? How did you die? Who shot you? Why didn't I think to ask all these questions last night in the dream?

I start bawling as a new thought occurs to me. He told me, "I love you, Elena darling." .... and I didn't get a chance to tell him I love him back!!

This thought has me crying for the better part of an hour. Maybe more. I didn't check the clock.

I eventually peel myself off of the floor and take John's advice. After getting out of the shower, my hair doesn't want to cooperate at all, so I put it up in that bun hairdo to just smash it into control.


I call Laurie.

Me: Hey, Laurie. I can't come in today and I just wanted to let you know.
Laurie: Okay. What's up?
My voice catches a few times as I tell him: Greg is dead. Someone shot him.
Laurie: Oh my god! Do they know who did it?
Me: I don't know. John is trying to figure that out. Did you know he didn't get fired after all?
Laurie: I suspected that.
Me: Huh?
Laurie: Don't worry about it. So, how are you? You sound broken up. Need me to come over? You shouldn't be alone. I can't believe John left you there by yourself.
Me: No, you don't need to come over. You need to run the bar. Besides, John hired a sitter. Probably for me as well.
Laurie: You sure you don't need me to come over?
Me: No, I'm just going to take a nap anyway. I didn't sleep well.
Laurie: Well, alright. You take as many days as you need. I'll hold down the fort.
I sigh with relief: Thank you, Laurie.
Laurie: No problem. Take care.

We hang up. I call John and relay to him what Laurie said.

Me: Um, he said, "Oh my god. Do they know who did it?" I think.
John: What did you tell him?
Me: That you didn't know and you were working on it.
John: You told him I was working on it?
Me: Yeah?
I hear John sigh with aggravation: Okay.
Me: Did I do something wrong?
John: No, not wrong.... Did he say anything else?
Me: Nothing other than he said he'll hold down the fort for me until I'm better.
John: Okay.
Me: Oh, and he kept asking if I wanted him to come over, and I kept telling him no since I knew you didn't want anyone over here.
I now hear a shaky exhale come out of John: Good. .... Listen, I'm going to have to be here for longer than I anticipated. Stay in the house alright?
Me: No problemo.
John: Good. I'll be home as soon as I can. I love you.
Me: Love you too.


I'm so tired! How much longer is "longer than I anticipated"? I guess I'll take a nap here on the couch so I'll know when he walks in.


I sleep. When Marie and Xavier get home from school, I barely stir.


When I wake up, I notice the sun is starting to set. I stand up and look out the window on the door, and I notice a police officer is casually walking down the sidewalk. No John. He's not home yet. Where IS he?

My thoughts race as I imagine John getting shot on the job. I crumple to the floor and rock myself back and forth to try and drive those horrid thoughts away.


I hear the front door open. It's John. He's home. Oh thank God. I look up at him for a second before I bury my face in my hands and cry with relief. I hear Duchess's collar rattle as she runs over to greet him.


John sits down with a sigh, and Duchess takes the seat next to him.

Me: I'm... s-sorry I'm c-crying ag-gain. I'm just s-so glad y-ou're home.
John's voice is full of pity: Oh, Elena.


He walks over to me, lifts me up, and pulls me to him.

John: Come here. It's okay. You don't have to be sorry for crying.

I think about Greg as he pulls me close. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him. After everything I've done to him, and am STILL doing to him, I don't deserve his affection when the one I really want to be holding me is dead.


I gently but firmly push him away. He doesn't resist my refusal. He merely looks a little sad.

Me: I'm sorry.


He stands there looking at me, and I notice his hair is getting lighter. Not really a gray but definite streaks of lighter hair. When did he shave that beard? It must've been a little while ago because that's more than one day's worth of growth on his face.

John: Don't worry about it. Can I get you anything?

"Don't worry about it." Yeah, right. I just hurt you. Geez, I'm such a b*tch.

Me: No.
John: I'm going to go take a shower and change clothes. Are you going to be okay?
Me: Yes. I'll go check on Ben. 




My little Mini Greg. I'm SO glad he's the spitting image of him. Oh Greg, I miss you so much! At least I have Ben. Thank God for Ben.


I smile for Ben's sake: Who's Mommy's little boy? (I gasp in mock shock.) It's YOU isn't it?

I tickle him a little and I hear the bedroom door close over his giggling.


Me: Hey John, I didn't hear you come in.
John smiles slightly as he looks at Benjamin and me: Marie wants to know if you want anything in particular for dinner.
Me: I'm not hungry.
John: What did you eat for lunch?
Me: Remember? I got up so late that breakfast was lunch.
John: And how much of that did you eat after I left?
I bite my lip.
John sighs: Elena, you need to eat.
Me: I told you. I'm not hungry.
John: Humor me.
It's my turn to sigh.

He's just worried about you, Elena. I tell myself. He's such a wonderful man. Putting up with me mourning the man I cheated on him with.

I put Ben down on the floor and give him that stupid toy before walking over to John.


Without warning, I crash my head onto his shoulder, throw my arms around him and start to cry. He sighs likes he's grateful as his arms wrap around me.

My tears start making the shoulder of his shirt wet: I'm sorry, John. I'm so sorry.

John doesn't say anything but just holds me tight while running his hands up and down my back. My heart feels wrenched in two. I continue to cry.


John: Shh. Baby, it'll be okay.

I feel angry all of a sudden.

Me: You do what you want now with your job, right?
John: Pretty much, yes.
Me: Then find the person or persons responsible and KILL THEM.

John sighs and just holds me tighter.

John eventually does talk: I can't promise I'll do that.
I pick my head up real quick: I want justice! You're Mr. Real-life Superhero! DO something about this!

I wiggle myself out of his arms and glare at him. His expression shows his flabbergasted and hurt feelings.


John: Elena, I AM doing something about this! We can't just go around arresting everyone we THINK might be responsible without any evidence to back it up!
Me: Sure you can!
John: I wish I could. I'd do anything for you.

The anger leaves me as quickly as it arrived.

I sigh and feel my shoulders droop: I'm sorry. Of course you're doing everything you can.


John runs his hands down my arms and holds my hands: I'm trying. I'm really trying.
Me: I know. I just feel so angry. So ... helpless... which just makes me more angry.
John: Go ahead and feel angry, but don't feel helpless. You're not helpless.
Me: How so?
John: I'm here. I won't rest until this person is caught. I need to go in again tonight, but I'll have someone I trust watching the house.

John's face screws up like he wished he hadn't said the last bit.

That thought makes me afraid: Someone needs to watch this house?


John quickly pulls me into a tight embrace: Don't you worry. Just let me worry.
Me: You're worried?
John sighs: I'm scared for you. I have a hunch this was deliberate.

He tilts his head down and kisses my shoulder gently. He's scared for me? JOHN is scared? He's scared for me... so he gets someone to watch the house while he's at work. I imagine John as the big boss man with chaos surrounding him as he tries to catch the crook/s responsible but at the same time worrying about his lady, me of course, and in the midst of that making sure she's still safe by dispatching a few of his best men to watch her. Without her knowing, of course, because if she knew that it might scare her.

Wait a dam* minute here... I remember seeing the police officer "casually" walking down the street this afternoon. Come to think of it, I'd seen him or someone else earlier in the day, when I got out of the shower, walking on the bridge and looking at the river... or making it look like he was looking at the river. .... Oh wow. John really WAS doing that. Holy sh*t that's sexy.


Without giving him any warning, I attack his mouth with mine. He acts surprised in the first few seconds, but it doesn't take much longer than that for him to respond. He kisses me back with passionate desperation. It's like he's trying to apologize for having to leave me in a few hours, that it's going to hurt him to do so.


I try to get across that it's okay and I'll be fine, but he doesn't want to "listen" to that. His slightly shaking hands clutch at me like he wants to use them as shields. I can sense his fear. I try to pull away a little so I can TELL him everything is going to be okay, but he won't let me.

I reach my hand up to gently stroke his face in an effort to calm him down. Slowly, his breathing gets more under control, and I run my hand through his hair for a few seconds before returning it to his cheek. I notice it's slightly damp.


He lets me pull away this time and I open my eyes to see enough to wipe the tears from his cheeks before reaching around to rub the back of his neck.

Me: I'm going to be okay, John.
John takes a few deep, quick breaths: I love you.
Me: I know. And I love you too.
John: Please promise me you won't leave the house. Don't even let anyone in.
You can't keep me locked away forever.
Me: Don't worry.
John: Promise!
Me: Okay, okay. I promise.


He pulls me to him once again. After a few seconds, he chuckles.

John: We'd better go see what Marie has ended up cooking for dinner.
Me: She's pulled her math grade up to a C.
John: Mhm, she told me. (He chuckles again.) But we'd better get in there before we feel her wrath that she had to pick out, cook, and serve dinner and we weren't even there to see it.

He brushes my hair out of my eyes before he lightly kisses me on the lips. I turn around and get Ben as we head to the dining room.


After depositing Ben into his highchair in the kitchen, I join the rest of my family at the table. Looks like Marie kept it simple and just made grilled cheese. I try to eat as much as I can stand.

After that, the kids watch tv for a while as John and I take a nap upstairs.

John wakes me up slightly as he gets up to leave, and I end up changing into something more comfortable to sleep in. However, I don't do much more sleeping. So, I get up and go downstairs to watch tv with the volume set real low.

When John gets home he looks surprised to see me up, and tells me he'll be right back.


He comes back downstairs in his pj pants.

John: How come you're not asleep?
I shrug slightly: I just couldn't I guess.


Me: YOU need to get some sleep, though. I've slept more than you in the past 48 hours.
John stretches a little and yawns: Nah, I'm fine.
I smile as I shake my head slightly.
John: What?
Me: Go get some sleep, John.
John smiles: Only if you come up with me.
Me: I'm not tired.
John's eyes look at me as if to say, 'Who says tired has anything to do with it?', but he doesn't actually say anything.


So, both of us stubbornly refusing to go to sleep, even though it's four in the morning, we sit and talk about random topics. We steadfastly avoid anything that has to do with what is going on with us or the case. Downtime is important too, I suppose.