85: John's Worries

(originally posted 03/25/2012)

(also, back when I wanted to keep this PG13... silly, silly me. )

John

I'd invited Hugh over earlier to see if maybe he could get Elena to talk. I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try. She did get real quiet for a little while, and we wondered if she was remembering things finally. So, Hugh asked. It didn't work again.

But something must've worked, because when I came upstairs I found her curled up on the foot of the bed, staring off into space. I put myself in her line of vision, but still she didn't see me. I worried she was cracking up... she looked catatonic.

Finally, she responded to me, and the things she told me, although not too surprising, stuck into me like thorns. She'd wanted to kill herself. That scared me the most because that's when she was the closest to giving up.


I'd let her tell me what she needed to tell me, and I tried to keep what was going on in my head to myself. I desperately wanted to hold her the whole time, but I knew if I so much as touched her she could freeze up again. It was best to keep her in whatever state of mind she was in that made her start talking. Then, when she finally broke down and cried, I knew that she was spent for the time being. I gladly pulled her into my arms.


She's fallen asleep.

I am SO GLAD she finally opened up enough to talk about what happened.

I adjust my back's position. This headboard is uncomfortable.

I love her.
She once told me, 'I'm stronger than I look.', and I had chuckled to myself inwardly. Well, she just proved it to me. Through that whole experience she kept her head on her shoulders, whereas some might've collapsed emotionally. I'd hate to think what he would've done if she'd broken down and given up.

I squeeze her to me for a few minutes.


I must've fallen asleep because I when I wake up my I notice my head is bobbing up and down. I scoot us down a little, trying to find a more comfortable position without moving her too much. She needs to sleep.


The next time I wake up it's to pain in my arm. It's fallen asleep. I inhale sharply as the highly annoying tingling starts up and pull my arm back behind her. She mumbles a little noise as I try to make the pins and needles sensation stop by flexing and un-flexing my fist. Oh this is driving me crazy!


I sit up a little more because the edge of the headboard is cutting into my back. Elena makes a little high-pitched "hm" sound when I move.

As uncomfortable as I am, I wouldn't trade this moment for anything. So many years I had to watch her with HIM. Then there were those torturous weeks where she dated the both of us.

And then, she chose me! Just when I thought I might lose her. Greg was always a little too good at making up. I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't have been there that night when I saw him on the other side of the gate in the back. Elena never knew he was back there, and I'm going to keep it that way.


A sudden realization hits me. Has it really been that long? I guess after all that's happened. One thing right after another.

I run my hand up and down her arm as I can't help but enjoy the view I have.

Okay now THIS is torture. She needs to sleep! Just stop looking.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I'm invaded by the smell of her perfume and shampoo. I turn my head to bury my face in her hair. As I breathe in once more I feel my insides coil like a spring.

Well, closing my eyes didn't help, I think as I open them again. Her being pulled up against me does. not. help. .... She needs to sleep! I wish I could sleep. She needs to sleep. I've created my own hell.

I start to wonder if I could possibly make us lay down now... without waking her up. When I try, her eyes open.

Elena: John?
I clear my throat: Yeah?
Elena sits up a little: What time is it?
I twist around to look at the clock: 2 AM.

When I twist myself back around, I find myself face-to-face with Elena.


Me: You need to sleep.
Elena: I'm not tired anymore.

Her arm wraps around me and she caresses my cheek with her palm. She kisses me so suddenly and demandingly that I'm in shock for a moment. She needs to sleep. Her lips feel wonderful on mine, but I lean back to try and stop this before it starts. She follows me.


She stops for a minute and looks down at me.

My voice has alot less conviction in it than it did before: You need to sleep.
Her eyes have a no nonsense attitude: Not tired.


I prop myself up on my hands. My throat feels suddenly dry, so I have to swallow. She runs her fingers through my hair and then down the sides of my head.

Her nails rake down my chest: You left the light on.
My arms start to shake a little: Yeah.

Her eyes raise back up to mine before she leans down to kiss me again. I close my eyes, wrap my arms around her, and turn us over. Not tired, her voice echoes in my head.


Her hand moves to the back of my neck to hold me to her. Or her to me. Frankly, I don't care either way. Just as long as I can keep kissing her.

Yes, it has been WAY too long. But... even still... is she still traumatized? Is this going to do more harm than good?


I lift myself up for a minute: Elena, are you okay? I mean...
She interrupts: John! Stop worrying!

Her nails roving over me make me think of her as a lioness again. I still need to find out if lionesses purr. Probably not.


I sit us both up a little.

Her eyes look like liquid pools of amethyst: John, you worry too much. I'm fine. Or, I'm fine enough.
Me: What if it's more harm than good?
Elena: Or what about more good than harm?


She doesn't give me the opportunity to disagree with her.

More good than harm.... more good. But .... Oh hell, forget it.


Me: Elena...
Elena: I'm starting to think you don't want to.
Me: I didn't say that.
Elena: Good.


I forgot whatever else it was I was going to say.

Haha. I bet she thinks she's seducing me. I guess I'll let her think that. If she only knew where my mind was before she woke up...

My arms tighten around her as I hold her to me. She tries to pull up for a second, but I won't let her. I'm enjoying this way too much to stop now. Definitely been too long. She relaxes and stops trying to lift herself back up for a while. I start exploring her neck.

Elena: John... you'd better not be teasing me.
My voice is slightly muffled: Never.

She acts like she wants to kiss me again, but I'm not done with her neck, and now I guess her shoulders too. She gasps as I trace a line with the tip of my tongue to her earlobe. Fun, I think as her whole body jerks when I capture the lovely lobe in my mouth.


I decide to let her come up for air, and she lifts herself up a little and looks down at me.

Her face looks so cute when she's mildly irritated.

Elena: No fair. I'm supposed to be the one seducing YOU. Not the other way around.
I chuckle: I guess you could think of it as successful.
Elena: Something tells me I didn't have to try as hard as I thought I did.
I just chuckle again at her look of consternation.


She sits up off of me then lightly and playfully glares at me: Bad John, making me think that.
My eyebrows raise: Bad?
Elena grins slightly: Yes.
Me: You have no idea.

She squeals as I suddenly sit up and pounce on her.


(/sigh. So hard to keep it PG13 or whatever you call it now.)