41: Doomed Forever?

(originally posted 02/03/2012)



I feel the stares of everyone in the place. Geez, people! Get a life! Maybe I'm imagining it.

Me: Is it just me or do you also sense that people are just dying for a bit more gossip and are staring at us hoping to get it?
John turns his face towards mine, mere inches away: Well, what's life without a little drama? Want to give them some gossip?

His eyebrows raise up and a slightly wicked smile crosses his face.


He tries to stifle a laugh at the expression on my face as I look back at him in incredulous shock. I try very hard not to burst out laughing. How is it that I was so angry a minute, a second, ago and now I'm trying to keep myself from laughing?

I tease: John! You are so bad!
He lets out a little chuckle: C'mon, Elena. Dance with me.

So he pulls me to the dance floor.


So we dance. It feels nice to work off some steam, and John really understands. Of course, the reason he understands is me. Sigh.


John: You going to be okay?
Me: Yeah, probably. Remember? I'm stronger than I look.

John lets out another small, silent laugh and blinks as he closes his eyes for a second. It's almost like I can tell he's thinking 'still the same ol' Elena.'


I wonder what he really meant by 'let's give them something to talk about.' Surely by now people aren't surprised to see the two of us on the dance floor. Still, people will take anything and blow it out of proportion just to exaggerate the gossip.

But, did he want more than just dancing? DOES he have an ulterior motive? And why does a part of me wish he did?


He looks over at me and his eyes widen slightly. What expression was on my face that made him do that? Uh, yikes a little.

John: Elena, maybe you should go back home and talk to him some?

That was unexpected.

Me: I'm just not ready to do that. I might say something I'll later regret.

Or is that what you WANT?

John: Well, all the same, I've had a long day and I should be getting back to Marie and X-man.


Me: Well, alright.
John: Call me if you need me for any reason. I hate to go, but I need to get back to the kids.

So he went home. I stand there and watch him go. I look pathetic. Oh, what is WRONG with me? I go and sit in a nearby chair.


I'm still in the place I was all along. I'm in love with two men at the same time. I still love John. Maybe I never would've divorced him if he hadn't been hurting so bad. I didn't really get to make a decision. It was made for me... ... I've still not made my decision, have I? Have I? I thought... I mean... I love Greg, but he cheated on me. Can I ever trust him again? WHY on earth did I think he would change from his womanizing ways just for me? He's a victim of his own desires. Well, we all are. He just has less control than others. Geez, according to him, all it took was for her to kiss him. He couldn't just say no? And he's been holding this in for this long? Oh WHAT am I going to do?


Am I doomed to forever be wanting the other one? Why can't I figure this out once and for all?

The bartender announces it's closing time. I sigh and go home.


I walk in the door and Greg startles awake. He was sleeping in the armchair.

Greg: Elena! Please! Please forgive me!

He pauses to see if I'm going to say anything. I don't know what to say. When I say nothing, he starts back up again.

Greg: I'm an idiot! How could I have done this to you?
Me: That IS the question here, isn't it, Greg?
Greg: I had to tell you. When you said that I could never keep something like that from you if I loved you, you were right. It was slowly killing me. I risked everything for one afternoon of gratification.
I sigh: I don't want to talk right now, Greg. I just want to sleep. You go upstairs. I'll crash on the couch again. I doubt I have the strength to climb the stairs. Goodnight.

I turn him around and give him a light shove towards the stairs. I nearly faint asleep as I lay down on the couch.

Monday


What must be early the next morning, I hear Greg in the kitchen fixing himself some breakfast. Sounds like cereal. He's disturbing my sleep. How can he be up this early? Ben isn't awake. Greg doesn't have to get up this early for work. Why is he up? I hear him eat his cereal. He leaves the bowl on the table... again. Then I hear a slight shuffling of fabric near me. I am NOT going to open my eyes. I'm still tired, dammit. I want to sleep! I keep my eyes closed and my breathing even. I hear him sit in the chair. I can feel him staring at me, probably hoping I'll wake up.


I peep my eyes open the tiniest bit to see what he's doing. He IS staring at me. Curse him for being adorable. He's sitting there looking at me like he could never love anyone else, and his world is crashing down around his ears. crap.