(originally posted 02/06/2012)
I manage to stay calm while taking care of Ben. I must've been out for hours! His diaper was filthy, and he was starving. I focus on trying to make him feel better rather than take care of my own emotions. It takes me a while, but I manage to make everything all better, and he sleeps soundly.
I get in the shower and set the water as hot as I can stand. I wish I could cry. For some reason I can't seem to make any tears flow. I have no idea why. This time I WANT to deal with how I'm feeling, but I can't do it. Frustrated, I go to sleep.
Thursday
The next morning, I wake up and permanently hire our babysitter. I then decide to finish the romance novel I bought the other day after I take care of Ben. I had never realized how much Greg had done to take care of him now that I have to do it all myself.
When I get home from work, I go upstairs to change clothes. I'm not sticking around in this house all night by myself. Jarred the babysitter recommended his friend in case I needed a sitter for the evening. I should call her.
I hear the doorbell ring.
Who could that be? Greg? Greg! I hope so! Maybe he's realized he's been an idiot and has come back to apologize!
John: Hello, Elena. I was wanting to see if you were okay. You were kind of scaring me the other night. I'm sorry I didn't call you back. I honestly meant to.
Wow he looks nice in this suit. I wonder what kind of work he's been up to? And... He wanted to see if I was okay? Has he heard? Why is he really here?
I try hard not to cry: I'm... okay.
Dammit, why do the tears want to flow now?
John immediately gets worried: Elena? What is it? What's wrong? What happened? What did he do?
I glance at him suspiciously: Oh yeah, right. Like you haven't heard.
John's mouth drops open, then he asks: Heard what? No, I haven't heard anything.
Me: He left me. He just... poof! left.
My voice catches a few times, and I stop talking to keep myself from crying.
John looks away for a second, then back at me: Oh, Elena. I'm so sorry. (He pauses.) What are you going to do?
Me: I don't know. I just don't know!
I wanted to get out of here. That's what I wanted to do. Also, I really, really want to kiss John. Oh crap! What is wrong with me? Crying over Greg but wanting to attack John's lips with my own at the same time? That's it then, I'm insane.
I have my forefinger and thumb over my forehead, and I'm starting to hyperventilate. John silently guides me over to the couch and we sit down.
John: Elena...
I ruin everything I touch. I ruined Greg and Betty's marriage thereby destroying Demarco's life... even if Demarco is one nasty little son of a ...
John: Elena...
Then I screw up my marriage with this great man sitting next to me by getting romantic with Greg again. Then, because I can't forgive Greg yet, I push him away and he leaves... So I've probably ruined Benjamin's life as well. Not to even mention Marie...
John: Elena are you there?
And now Greg wants a divorce.
John: Elena, if you don't snap out of it I may have to do something to make you.
Me: Huh?
John sighs: What did he do when he left?
I turn my head and stare at the blank television: I don't know. He left while I was at work yesterday.
John: You should've called me.
Me: Well, I assumed you were busy, and I passed out after I read his note.
Ugh! I hate it when I faint.
John: He left a note?
Me: Yeah. It's on the table.
John gets up and gets the note off the table to read it. I notice he squints a little. He's had those glasses too long. Time to get a new prescription. John sighs and walks back over to the couch.
He hands me the note: He wants a divorce?
I ball up the note and throw it into the corner: Yes.
John starts tapping his toes fast against the carpet and his fingers start wiggling and drumming against his knees. I give him a confused look he doesn't see.
John stares at the window behind the tv, sighs, and turns to me: What do YOU want?
Me: I want to wring his neck. Kidding. Kind of. I just wish he'd not left a note and instead said those things to my face.
John acts like he's trying not to smile: I wasn't going to say it at first, but I can't help but think that the note was a cowardly way to do what he did.
I nod and we sit there quietly. Every once in a while John takes in a breath like he's going to say something, but then decides not to.
After about half a dozen times of him doing that I've had enough: John, what is it?
John takes another breath. I swear if he acts like he's going to say something again and then doesn't I'm going to scream.
John: I'm trying to figure out how to say something. (He sighs again.) Now's not the right time anyhow.
John: But there is one thing I CAN say. I can't believe Greg. (He lets out a short laugh.) I'm taking this personally I guess. All that he did to steal you from me. I thought he really loved you.
I take in a deep breath and look away. I don't want to discuss whether or not Greg loves/loved me with him.
I say with warning in my voice: John...
John: Hang on. I just mean that how can someone do this to someone they love?
Like you did to me?
Me: He was hurting.
John: Okay, so he's hurting. So why ask for the divorce?
I take in a short, hitched breath: I don't know. (I turn to him.) Why did YOU ask for one?
John: Touché. Maybe you're right. I was hurting...
I interrupt him by blurting out: I ruin everything!
John opens his eyes wide with an incredulous expression: Why the hell do you think that, Elena?
John, don't say my name. Right now it's driving me crazy watching your mouth say it... Dammit, I'm crazy. Sitting here crying and I can't even make up my mind who I'm crying over.
John has moved closer and tries to free my face from my hands: Hey! Crap. I'm sorry, Elena.
My hands steadfastly stay put. John sighs and stops trying to move them. Instead he rubs my back, trying to console me. He's leaned forward and his face is mere inches from mine. This has stopped me from my pity-party at least because now all I think about is how badly I want to kiss him and how crazy that makes me.
John: Shh! Baby, stop crying.
I swear I just melted into a puddle on the floor.
I turn my head and look at him.
All I'd have to do is lean towards him a little.
John: C'mere.
He wraps his arm around me.
John: I was only trying to figure out why Greg would want to move out and get a divorce, yet still say he wants to date. Why divorce? It would make more sense to separate instead. Then you said it's because he's hurting, and I agreed that that could be the reason. He wants to hurt you back.
John sighs and leans back a little while taking me with him. Then we're quiet for a moment.
John sighs again: Speaking personally, (I turn to look at him.) I don't think he's playing his cards with any sense. If that even makes sense. Okay... so he shows he hasn't completely given up yet by mentioning dating in the future, but if he's smart he won't wait too long.
My eyes narrow slightly in confusion: What do you mean?
John's eyes smolder as he looks at me: I think you know exactly what I mean.
Is he going to kiss me?
He opens his mouth like he wants to say something (again), but then leans his head back to growl at the ceiling. Then he grabs the tv remote.
John: We need to just veg-out for a moment.
He turns on the tv, I move to sit up a little more, but he gently but firmly holds my shoulder in place. Okay. I relax back against him.
We sit and watch a sitcom that we used to enjoy watching together. If I close my eyes, I can almost go back in time to those days. The sounds of the the actors and John's scent and the sound of his laughter comfort me. Then the show ends and he says he needs to get home. He tries to turn off the tv with the remote, but keeps having trouble.
Me: The batteries might be dead.
I get up and turn off the tv by the button on it.
John: Are you going to be okay?
Me: Yeah. Remember? I'm stronger than I look.
John closes his eyes and smiles while shaking his head.
John: Promise me you'll call if you need anything. I swear I'll have my phone on me 24/7.
Me: I'll be fine, thanks. At least once this mess is sorted out.
John: I mean it. For anything.
He pulls me into a hug.
Again, the hug lasts longer than any traditional "friendly" hug. Then he pulls back a little and I again wonder if he's going to kiss me. My heart starts racing as he holds my gaze with his own. Time stretches out. I can feel his warm breath on my mouth.
Then he suddenly steps back putting space between us.
John: I... really need to be going.
I do a small nod: Sure, yeah. See you.
Both of us are breathing a little more heavily.
I watch him go. He opens the door and turns back to look at me. He smiles, winks at me, steps out and closes the door.
I hear Ben cry. Well, at least he waited.
Poor baby. Your parents are screw-ups. John's right, though. You ARE the best part of Greg.
John stars in my dreams that night.
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