I lay there on the couch until I hear Greg get up and go to the restroom. Knowing this could be my only chance to get up without having to face him, I rush up the stairs and lock the bedroom door. Once locked, I stand there and stare at it. I feel the memories of yesterday come flooding back to me with gut-wrenching pain. It was all true. All of it. I'm not crazy... I need a shower.
Once out, I get dressed and take a deep breath before opening the door. It opens silently as I peek out and see the hallway is empty. Where is he? What if he's downstairs ready to pounce the second I descend the stairs? I hear him in Ben's room. Ah, good. Now I can sneak off to the garden.
Greg: Elena...
I jump up from my garlic plant and notice that Greg has crept up silently behind me. I guess I can't avoid him forever.
Greg: Why did you lock the bedroom door?
I say simply: I didn't want to be disturbed. I ... needed time to think.
However, I didn't think. I just stood there after washing my hair and let the water run down my back. I meant to try to get a handle on my emotions before having to talk to him again, but my mind didn't want to think about. So, instead, I felt more and more numb. I let the water get hotter and hotter until I had it almost burning me, but I couldn't feel the pain it should've caused.
I stare off into space. I can't handle this. I can't talk to him right now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. But I can't leave. I can't leave Ben.
Greg brings my thoughts back to the present: And what was it you thought about?
Me: Huh? ... Oh. Nothing actually. I thought about nothing.
It would be great if I could just go about my days pretending what he did never happened. I was HAPPY before. I was HAPPY with him. I was HAPPY when I didn't know. All this time...
Greg: Elena darling, you must understand the horrible guilt I feel. I screwed up.
I say quickly: I'm not ready to talk about it.
Greg: No, you MUST talk about it. Please let ME talk about it with you.
Me: What more is there to say, Greg?
Even saying his name causes that pain in my gut again. No. I won't think about it. I can't handle it right now.
Greg: A lot more! Stop trying not to think about it! I can see that blank stare you get when something bad happens to you in your eyes. We need to talk about this now.
Me: I have nothing to say to you. I don't want to talk about it.
Greg: I'm not giving up, Elena! You are the most important thing in my life! I simply MUST make you see that it was a mistake! Just a mistake! I could never do that to you ever again. This has been eating at me, and I can't stand it anymore. Should I have kept quiet?
Me: I don't know. Maybe you should have, but then you would've been living a lie. We WERE living a lie! ... I'm going to go check on Ben.
Greg: He's sleeping. I just finished giving him his bottle. ... I feel like I'm losing you.
He starts closing the gap between us. Alarm bells sound in my head. I do NOT want him to kiss me right now, and I can see that look in his eyes. THIS will not be solved with a kiss. I simply can't let him touch me!
Greg: Elena darling...
Me: Please don't! Just don't.
Crap, I can feel the tears forming.
His eyes look crestfallen as his arms drop back down to his sides. For a moment I want to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down and kiss him myself, but no...I won't. I'm hopeless. I can never resist this man for long. That used to be a good thing, but now I don't know.
Me: I just can't handle this!
I storm off into the house and go upstairs because I hear Ben crying.
Greg must not have checked his diaper, because it's soaked. I change him and cuddle him until he calms down.
Me: Shh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay.
Am I comforting him or me?
I put him back in his crib and he sucks his fist for a moment before passing out asleep again.
I just can't do this. Any of it. I can't leave though. Greg's right. I need to talk with him. I need to hear what more he has to say, if anything. What more IS there to say? ... Still, I need to get out of this house for a few hours. At least until Greg goes to work.
I yell to Greg that I'm taking a walk. I don't know if he heard me or not. I decide to turn the corner and head for the square.
Jonah: Elena! I'm glad I caught you!
Me: Hey, Jonah, what's up?
Jonah: I just wanted to let you know... have you been crying?
I brush my bangs out of my eyes, which must be bloodshot: Yes, but don't worry about it. I'm fine.
Jonah lightly scowls at me, but doesn't pry for information: Uh, well I have to tell you. I just went by to see John and I don't know what you did, but he's back to his old self.
I blink a few times: But I couldn't get him to talk about anything with me. He kept telling me not to worry about him.
Jonah lightly chuckles: Well, I don't know then. Something happened to get him out of his slump. Anyway, I gotta run. See you!
That was strange. Hm. John DID seem to be in a better mood yesterday. I guess I haven't thought about it because... because I've had other things on my mind. Nope... not going to think about that other thing on my mind... Maybe I could read a book.
So I walk into the bookstore and pick out some new romance novel. That probably wasn't the best choice of genre, but the description on the back caught my attention. I had to buy it. If I can't handle what's in it I'll just put it away until I can. Then I decide to sit down and read it in the nice chairs the bookstore has. After a while, I look up at the clock to see it's one in the afternoon. I make my way back home so Greg can go to work, but I don't end up staying there for the evening. I hire a sitter and go to Leo's ... again.
At the bar, the crowd there doesn't help my mood. I thought I wanted to be around people, but I guess I was wrong. So, I end up walking out of the place. The woods behind the bar beckon me with their peaceful, unassuming darkness.
I stay out there and breathe in the mistly air for a while, just enjoying the way the bar sounds far away. I'm at the edge of civilization. Beyond me is the forest. Behind me is the crowded bar. What if I just walked into the woods and never came back? The leaves crunch under my shoes as I take a few steps into the darkness.
I hear my name called from behind me.
I turn and see John standing on the porch outside Leo's. The light behind him casts a dark silhouette as he stands there with his head slightly tilted to the side and his hands in his pockets.
John: Elena? What are you doing out here by yourself?
Me: Thinking.
I see him shift his weight from one foot to the other: You're scaring me being out here alone.
Still the super-cop mentality I see. Heaven forbid a female walk in the woods alone at night.
He takes his hands out of his pockets: Would you come back to the bar, please?
I sigh: I guess.
I walk over to him and just stand there in front of him. I don't want to go back into the bar. I don't want to go home. I probably shouldn't lose myself in the woods.
John: Are you okay?
He tries bending down a little and craning his neck up to look me in the eye, but I avoid his gaze. I don't answer him, instead I stare at the lights from the hospital behind him.
Even in the darkness I can see his eyebrows raise: Elena?
Still not looking at him I ask: Yeah?
John: Are you alright?
Finally I try to mentally bring myself to the scene around me and look him in the eye: Yeah I'm... No, not really.
John takes my hand and tries to pull me in the direction of the door: Come back to the bar and we can sit and talk.
I scowl at him: I don't want to go back inside. It's too... too bright in there.
I turn my head to the side and gaze longingly at another section of the dark forest.
John: I'm not letting you go into the woods alone at night. Not on my watch.
There's a wistful tone to my voice: It's just so peaceful.
John: We don't have to go back into the bar. We can talk out here. That okay?
I silently nod my head.
John: Want to sit down?
Me: No.
John sighs: So there's no point in me asking what's wrong. I know what's wrong, and you don't look like you're holding up real well.
Me: Greg keeps trying to get me to talk to him. I just don't know...
John: Don't know what?
Me: I don't know if I want to hear his apology... again. I don't know if I can stand to look at him and tell him what he's done to me. I don't want to yell at him again. I just wish things could go back to the way they were.
John takes in a deep breath: Unfortunately, that doesn't happen.
I start shaking: I don't want to even be thinking about it.
John: Putting it off... Trying to avoid dealing with it will not help, Elena.
I love the sound of his voice when he says my name.
Me: I understand, but I just can't... I just can't deal with it.
John: It's not going to go away until you do, and even then it will still hurt for a long time, but it's better to deal with this while it's still fresh, Elena. Trust me, dealing with it later is much, much harder.
I pause. I can hear some frogs singing their nightly chorus off in the distance.
I feel strangely disjointed from my body: He cheated on me... with that slut Sylvia. Apparently they dated in high school?
John: Yes. And a few times after as well.
Me: She was asking him to leave me. With me right in front of them!
John: What did Greg say?
Me: I don't remember exactly, but it was something like 'I told you already, I can't do that.'
John: It sounds like Greg realized what he did was an enormous mistake, and was trying to get her to leave him alone. Am I right?
I shake my head: I don't think so. Why would he chase after her when she stormed out after I yelled at her? That shows he still has some feelings for her, be they a little more than friendly or outright attraction. (There's more pain in my voice) Instead of trying to comfort me when I was losing it, he chose instead to go racing after HER to make HER feel better. Then he comes back inside to lie to me. I was so relieved that I eventually guilted him into a confession.
John: What are you going to do?
Me: I don't know.
John: What do you think you should do? What's your first gut-reaction?
I look down at the floorboards: Leave. I want to just leave. (I look back into his eyes) But I can't just LEAVE! Our kids, and Benjamin! I can't do that. Not again.
Ugh, did I have to bring up the fact that I left John again? Why do I do that?
Me: Sorry.
John clears his throat: It's fine.
Me: No, it isn't, but I'm glad you're willing to talk to me about it. About anything.
John takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly: I'm willing to talk to you about anything. I still care deeply for you, Elena.
Oh my god. Butterflies flutter in my stomach. My skin feels like it's humming. What do I say to that? I stand there in mute shock.
John takes my hand in both of his: Surely, you must know.
I know. I didn't want to admit to myself I know, but I know.
John: This is not the right time to tell you how I feel. It sort of slipped out. ... You go home and get some sleep and don't worry about me or what I said. Love on that baby. He's the best part of Greg. Maybe when you wake up you'll know what you're going to do.
He brings my hand up to his face and his lips lovingly press themselves on my knuckles before he lets my hand go, looks at me with an unreadable expression due to the darkness, and returns to the inside of the bar.
I take John's advice and go home, pay the sitter, and go to bed. Ben is sleeping soundly so I don't want to bother him. It sounds like DeMarco is sleeping as well.
That night I dream about the night John threw me out of the house, only I was John.
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Just a warning!!!!!
!!!!!
If you hit 'newer post' then you'll be taken to chapter ONE HUNDRED SEVENTEEN because for once I actually posted a new chapter and that's where it falls in the blog's order. You choose: read it, fly down the page to the next 'newer post' or use the chapters tab. :)
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