46: I Decide

(originally posted 02/07/2012)



I go straight home and pay Jarred. I'll have to pay my tab at the bar later. That's one good thing about a small town. They know I'll be back.

Easier for me? How the hell is this easy? Where is the easy? This is freaking hard!

But... Although nothing happened with John and me...I wanted it to. Greg's guess wasn't far from the truth. What kind of woman am I? Ugh, I make myself sick.

Saturday



I get Marie to babysit. I just can't stay in that house and I need to think. So, I go for a walk.

What am I doing here? Ever since I've stepped foot in this town I've wreaked nothing but havoc. Everything I touch turns to crap. Ivanna and Betty are right. I'm a strumpet. Great, now I'm using the word "strumpet". If Greg no longer wants to try and wants to leave, I'll let him go. I'm going to let him make this call. I told him what would work for me, and he didn't want to do it. Leaving was a step backward, and that's what I don't understand. I'm going to walk up to that castle over there.


The gardener lets me in. No one has lived here in a long time, but the estate pays for a gardener still.

The castle. I've never actually been up here. I told John I'd been up here on a walk when I was really over at Greg's. Greg. John. John was right. Why leave if Greg wants to possibly date again? Huh. What does Greg think is going to happen? Does he think he will divorce me, spend some time feeling sorry for himself, then expect me to just fall into his lap later? That just makes me mad.


Pretty garden. I wonder what it would be like to live here. Guess I'll never know. I know I don't want to live in that house anymore. Dam, another garden I'm going to leave behind. But, I can't stay there. So where should I go? Oh no. What if John asks me to move in with him? It seems far-fetched right now but if things go in that direction he'll undoubtedly ask. No. No, I don't want that.


I get the feeling these two statues are trying to impress each other. Hm. So what is it that I want? Do I want to keep trying with Greg? Well, I don't even know if that's an option. He said he wants no part of me. John? He obviously wants to start something back up again. These roses smell wonderful. I don't know. I don't know if I can trust myself to be true to him should Greg decide again to get romantic. I don't want to hurt John AGAIN. So, what should I tell him?

I think... I think I just need to be me for a while. Just me. Sure, I guess I'll date, but I don't want anything serious. I have too much baggage.

I sigh. It feels good to finally decide for myself what I'm going to do.

My phone rings. It's my lawyer. Greg wants to move the divorce along, and although it breaks my heart, I do too.


I'm almost in tears as I leave the office. That was fast. Uncontested. I got the house, but had to pay Greg a large part of my savings. I have full custody of Benjamin. Those were the big issues. It breaks my heart to see that Greg doesn't even care to have any visitation with his son. HE was the one that wanted him in the first place!

Raquel: Hey, Elena. Wait up!
I stop and stare at the bar off in the distance in front of me. I can kind of see it through the trees.
Raquel: Are you going to be okay? Do you need anything?

She catches up to me. I turn and face her.

Me: What do you want, Raquel.
Raquel: We used to be friends. What happened?
Me: You wanted my husband, remember?
Raquel: Well, I am sorry about that. I couldn't help it, but that was almost ages ago. Besides, since then I've had a boyfriend I'm madly in love with.
I say in an almost bored voice: Good for you.
Raquel isn't daunted by my lack of enthusiasm: C'mon. Come meet him.

At this point, I'm just numb again. I follow her across the street to the park.


I meet him and almost immediately forget his name. The three of us engage in boring small talk.

Boyfriend: Hey Elena, there's a party at Sabrina's tonight. Wanna come with us?
Me: Alright.

Whatever, but I'm not dressing up. I'm going Just. Like. This.


I was right. This party is dull. This married guy, Darrell, keeps trying to hit on me. Raquel looks uncomfortable. Yeah, thanks, "friend". Great party.

It sounds like there's a better party going on outside. I hear laughing. I start to make my way to the back door when it looks like everyone is walking back in. Oh well. I turn back around to tell Raquel that I'm going home. Her eyes get big and a small smile lights up her face for a second. Before I can figure out what she's looking at I hear a lovely bass voice speak low in my ear from behind me.

John: You look bored to tears. Want to get out of here?
I jump a little and suppress a shiver as I feel his hot breath on my ear. I turn to him: Yes. Let's go.


The food at Sabrina's was far below par and we're both hungry. The bistro sits very near Sabrina's house so it's the most logical choice for us to go.


John takes control of the conversation, and I'm grateful. He tells me about how the kids were this week. Apparently Marie is failing math. I tell John about my divorce being finalized. I don't look at him as I do it, so I have no idea how he reacted. Then he asks me if I'm going to stay in the same house.

Me: No, I don't believe I can stay in that house... where all that happened... for much longer.
John: I can understand that. Of course, I could understand the opposite as well.
Me: No, there are too many things there that make me think about him.
John is quiet.


I feel him staring at me. What is he thinking? Hm. He once told me never ask a man that--that I probably don't want to know. I start imagining the possibilities and put up an emotional barrier.


John: So, are you going to buy a new place or just rent an apartment?
Me: I don't really know yet. The idea is still a little new.
Here it comes.
John: Elena...
He pauses.
Me: What?
John: Um, just... don't make any spur-of-the-moment decisions. I know someone that could get a place if you'd like.
I look down at my almost empty plate: Alright.

Our waitress brings by the check. I reach for it, but John snatches it away just as my fingertips graze the piece of paper.


I look at him as he grins at me.

Me: John, let me pay my half.
John: Ridiculous. Absolutely not.

I sigh and watch him get up after he lays down some cash. His eyes almost dare me to try to pay anyway. I have an idea that I could grab some of the cash, put down my own and put his cash back in his pocket myself. Ooh, that could get interesting... Hm. That could be just a little too personal. I sigh again.


Suddenly memories come flooding back to me of the time Greg and I were eating here and John walked up. It was here that he told me he wanted a divorce. It was here that he threatened to take the kids away.

What am I doing?

John: Elena, are you alright?


I get up and walk around the table.

Me: John...
How on earth do I say this?
I stand there mutely, unsure of what to say. His expression gets calculating for a moment, and then he takes a small step towards me.


John: Elena, there is something that I absolutely MUST say.
Butterflies take flight in my stomach.
John: I've never stopped loving you. I couldn't even if I tried. I DID try. It was self-induced torture, but what could I do? Then, I finally gave in and decided to just love you in any way that I could. It wasn't easy to stand back and watch you with Greg.


As he's talking he reaches his hand up to lightly brush the back of his fingers against my cheek. Then he reaches around to the back of my neck. His other hand holds the small of my back, and he pulls me towards him a little.

John: I was miserable most of the time. That's why Jonah was concerned. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to hide it.

I experience a dull ache in my heart. So much for my emotional barrier. It hurts me to think about what he must have gone through. All because of me the strumpet.


Me: I'm sorry.
John had acted like he was going to say more but instead his head jerks back a little: Why?
I watch as his eyes devour my face: I could've just left you alone instead of sometimes seeking you out as the person to confide in.
John almost smiles: No! That's just it. You were there, right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything. But I wouldn't WANT you far off with little interaction. Yes, it hurt to have you so close, but I'd have rather had that than nothing. (He pauses.) Then, when you and Greg started having trouble, it was all I could do not to encourage it. I just couldn't stand seeing you hurting, and I tried to just be your friend. I almost blew it the night you were trying to take a dangerous walk in the woods alone. But then, night before last it was almost impossible to stay silent. I sat there trying to come up with a way to tell you all that I'm telling you now once I heard about your upcoming divorce. How was I to know that you even still remotely thought of me that way?


I can't stand it anymore, so I let him know exactly how I feel. Well, as close as to what I know about how I feel. There is only the faintest hint of surprise before John kisses me back with what must be all the pent-up emotions he's had plus now. I can feel my cheeks get wet as tears begin to flow.

I shouldn't be doing this! I simply cannot allow myself to hurt him again. What is he expecting? What does he want? Does he think we can be in a committed relationship already? I need to tell him I just can't do that, but I don't want to stop kissing him at the moment.